For the inspiration behind my post, look over here.
I, too, often don't feel like writing; it's not--as the author of that other blog post mentions--something that I can't live without. I'm another person who wants to write, who adores having written, who thinks about writing and ideas and character more than I think of anything else, and I've even written some significant things (five feature screenplays, three shorts, 10k words of a novel...); but I am still not a person who can't imagine a day without writing. Like the guy at Indecorous, I struggle, daily, with writing. For me it's hard. I believe I'm talented, and I believe I can write some pretty entertaining stuff, but that doesn't make it any easier for me.
Writing is what I want to do though. For no apparent reason it's the only thing that really appeals to me. Is this because I'm masochistic--maybe just a little bit? Is this because it is my "calling" which I'm expected to excavate and develop one tedious step at a time? I don't know. All I know is that of all my talents and skills (I programmed for a while and was considered "brilliant" at it, I can sing, I can play the violin and guitar, and so on) writing is the one that has never gone away. I'm 29 now, so it's had more than enough opportunities.
I'm also at the point in life where I feel like I should be doing something "real." I feel like I should be buckling down and maybe getting a college degree. It's a thought. But then I remember that I've tried college once...no, twice. Or was it three times? Yeaaaah, I think it was. Scratch that idea. Whenever I try to bring myself to do anything else, I feel a sense of nausea. In addition to the overwhelming urge to hurl, I also procrastinate the other things I try to bring myself to do. Procrastination by itself isn't a sign I shouldn't be doing X, I suppose, since I also procrastinate writing, but with everything else when I honestly think about how I feel about it, I feel bored. Lifeless. Dead. The prospective of doing anything else bores me to tears and makes me feel sick.
Life, for me, most involve writing in some capacity. That much is obvious. Am I abnormal in that writing is hard for me, but it's what I want to do? Or is that far more normal than those who claim to enjoy every moment writing?
I've decided that my "problem" is one of lack of focus. While it runs counter to my nature to focus on one thing entirely, I think it just might be what I need to begin realizing my potential. Oh, there are books which suggest that YOU CAN DO EVERYTHING (!) you want to do (e.g., Refuse to Choose). I think such books are bullshit. Why? Because one looks at what we know about those who achieve, one finds that they did it by focusing almost exclusively on ONE area of interest.
More relevantly, I've tried balancing all my plethora of interests. I've tried cultivating my drawing skills, tried studying Spanish, tried practicing music every day, tried learning to program in other languages, tried learning to be a medical transcriptionist; none of my trying did me an ounce of good.
Next I'm going to try focusing. I'm going to be hardcore about it, too. I'm going to restrict 95% of my online blog reading to those blogs which focus on writing--and, more particularly, TV writing since that's what I want to do. I'm going to forgive myself for not tapping my potential in other areas. This will be harder than it sounds. My parents have always given me a very hard time (withholding financial assistance in times of need) for not "finishing anything." This approach will give them more ammunition for the next time I need their help. Hopefully I'll never need their help again. When I was down and out after my divorce, broke, and in shock after being "diagnosed" with Bipolar II (even though that diagnosis later proved to be completely bogus), they took me in and paid for me to take an online course in medical transcription. Medical transcription pays decent, and it was a nice thing of them to do, but I hated the course. It was 100% memorization. Then, once you finish the memorization part, you get into the transcription part which suddenly expects you to have a working knowledge of terms and be able to distinguish one from another in a string of gobbledygook spoken by a doctor with an impenetrable Indian accent.
They probably won't see it this way, but paying for that course was worthwhile. Yes, it didn't give me the "skill" they were hoping it would, but it helped me to regain my footing. It's nice knowing others believe in you, support you, and are willing to put their money where their mouth is.
I'm gonna forgive myself for wasting their gift; and I'm gonna forgive myself for not learning and doing everything else I wanted to. I'm going to wrap up the few projects I agreed to do which are in other categories of interest (like the one for my sister programming a website for her). Once those projects are wrapped up, I'm simply not going to accept any more projects like them. It's not fair to myself to burden myself with all kinds of other crap which I don't, really, ultimately, want to do. If it doesn't fit with my core driving motativation (writing) then I won't do it.
Becoming a professional writer is difficult enough without diluting my time, energy, and focus on other things which are demanding all by themselves.
Maybe if I am successful in focusing my life--in making my life all about writing--then maybe I'll discover one morning that I actually can't wait to write, and can't imagine a day without writing.
Or I won't; either way I'll still end up one hell of a writer.
I, too, often don't feel like writing; it's not--as the author of that other blog post mentions--something that I can't live without. I'm another person who wants to write, who adores having written, who thinks about writing and ideas and character more than I think of anything else, and I've even written some significant things (five feature screenplays, three shorts, 10k words of a novel...); but I am still not a person who can't imagine a day without writing. Like the guy at Indecorous, I struggle, daily, with writing. For me it's hard. I believe I'm talented, and I believe I can write some pretty entertaining stuff, but that doesn't make it any easier for me.
Writing is what I want to do though. For no apparent reason it's the only thing that really appeals to me. Is this because I'm masochistic--maybe just a little bit? Is this because it is my "calling" which I'm expected to excavate and develop one tedious step at a time? I don't know. All I know is that of all my talents and skills (I programmed for a while and was considered "brilliant" at it, I can sing, I can play the violin and guitar, and so on) writing is the one that has never gone away. I'm 29 now, so it's had more than enough opportunities.
I'm also at the point in life where I feel like I should be doing something "real." I feel like I should be buckling down and maybe getting a college degree. It's a thought. But then I remember that I've tried college once...no, twice. Or was it three times? Yeaaaah, I think it was. Scratch that idea. Whenever I try to bring myself to do anything else, I feel a sense of nausea. In addition to the overwhelming urge to hurl, I also procrastinate the other things I try to bring myself to do. Procrastination by itself isn't a sign I shouldn't be doing X, I suppose, since I also procrastinate writing, but with everything else when I honestly think about how I feel about it, I feel bored. Lifeless. Dead. The prospective of doing anything else bores me to tears and makes me feel sick.
Life, for me, most involve writing in some capacity. That much is obvious. Am I abnormal in that writing is hard for me, but it's what I want to do? Or is that far more normal than those who claim to enjoy every moment writing?
I've decided that my "problem" is one of lack of focus. While it runs counter to my nature to focus on one thing entirely, I think it just might be what I need to begin realizing my potential. Oh, there are books which suggest that YOU CAN DO EVERYTHING (!) you want to do (e.g., Refuse to Choose). I think such books are bullshit. Why? Because one looks at what we know about those who achieve, one finds that they did it by focusing almost exclusively on ONE area of interest.
More relevantly, I've tried balancing all my plethora of interests. I've tried cultivating my drawing skills, tried studying Spanish, tried practicing music every day, tried learning to program in other languages, tried learning to be a medical transcriptionist; none of my trying did me an ounce of good.
Next I'm going to try focusing. I'm going to be hardcore about it, too. I'm going to restrict 95% of my online blog reading to those blogs which focus on writing--and, more particularly, TV writing since that's what I want to do. I'm going to forgive myself for not tapping my potential in other areas. This will be harder than it sounds. My parents have always given me a very hard time (withholding financial assistance in times of need) for not "finishing anything." This approach will give them more ammunition for the next time I need their help. Hopefully I'll never need their help again. When I was down and out after my divorce, broke, and in shock after being "diagnosed" with Bipolar II (even though that diagnosis later proved to be completely bogus), they took me in and paid for me to take an online course in medical transcription. Medical transcription pays decent, and it was a nice thing of them to do, but I hated the course. It was 100% memorization. Then, once you finish the memorization part, you get into the transcription part which suddenly expects you to have a working knowledge of terms and be able to distinguish one from another in a string of gobbledygook spoken by a doctor with an impenetrable Indian accent.
They probably won't see it this way, but paying for that course was worthwhile. Yes, it didn't give me the "skill" they were hoping it would, but it helped me to regain my footing. It's nice knowing others believe in you, support you, and are willing to put their money where their mouth is.
I'm gonna forgive myself for wasting their gift; and I'm gonna forgive myself for not learning and doing everything else I wanted to. I'm going to wrap up the few projects I agreed to do which are in other categories of interest (like the one for my sister programming a website for her). Once those projects are wrapped up, I'm simply not going to accept any more projects like them. It's not fair to myself to burden myself with all kinds of other crap which I don't, really, ultimately, want to do. If it doesn't fit with my core driving motativation (writing) then I won't do it.
Becoming a professional writer is difficult enough without diluting my time, energy, and focus on other things which are demanding all by themselves.
Maybe if I am successful in focusing my life--in making my life all about writing--then maybe I'll discover one morning that I actually can't wait to write, and can't imagine a day without writing.
Or I won't; either way I'll still end up one hell of a writer.
2 comments:
The girl at Indecorous, actually, but that's ok. ::grin::
The arts are strange - it's easy to buy into the idea that talent automatically makes things easy. I'm still trying to convince myself that that's rarely the case.
Good luck - though with this kind of determination, luck probably isn't necessary.
I know exactly how you feel...but if it was easy everyone would do it. Writers have a tumultuous love affair with their craft, I think, almost a love/hate. At least that's the way it is for me. I growl that it isn't easy even while knowing that if it was, I wouldn't be so enamored of it in the first place. I would miss the satisfaction in defeating the blank screen that stares at me in mocking defiance if it was too easy. In any case, I enjoy your writing; I think you're on your way.
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